Thursday, November 20, 2008

Midnight Ramblings

Is this what life is all about?

As I sit here listening to the TV about having a dozen kids on TLC, and on the other ear, I hear my husband snoring.

I can't sleep tonight for some reason. I go through phases where I sleep fine, and then one night I can't sleep.

Tonight is one of those nights. I have so much on my mind that I worry or think about. Why am I so blessed? I could have never imagined my life turning out this way. I knew that I was ready to be married. I knew that I would be good as a wife.

But tonight as I sit here and think. Am I really a good wife? Do I love my husband enough to give everything to him? Do I love him enough for it just to be him and me. No kids at all.

Frankly I am scared to death of having kids. I know I talk about it alot, but at midnight when my words seem more clear and I can say what I feel. Is love for my husband making him dinner, washing his clothes, having sex? I think it is a more spiritual, emotional, physical attachment than I can ever have with anyone else.

And the love I have for my husband how can I take some of that love away and give it to a child?

This is a post where I just wrote what I have been thinking at Midnight. Its not something I thought about or wanted to add pictures too. Its not a funny post. Its my thoughts and this is what this blog is about.

2 Ways to Agree/Disagree with me!:

Mrs.D said...

I know how you feel, I felt that way once, too. When you have a child, though, that love you two have is compounded by a million. You'll still have plenty of devotion to to him. He won't mind sharing you with your future baby. You and he both will be head over heels for the baby that is half of you both. Loving the baby is like loving him, too,since it is part of him. And having a child brings out wonderful qualities in you both. It'll melt your heart to see your tough hubby cuddle and soothe your newborn. I hope you guys do decide to give parenthood a try, it is awesome. I can't even explain it. Your whole life changes, yes, but it gets better.

I hope this didn't sound preachy, I'm just trying to be reassuring that your love will just get deeper. Hope you got some sleep. :-)

Rebecca said...

I felt that same way the whole time I was pregnant with Tate. Scared that it would take away from my relationship with Jeremy. Well, of course it didn't. It just makes it better.
NOW I am going through the same thing with the thought of having this little girl. Just the thought of having to share the love I have for Tate with her terrifies me. I mean, I love her already. But when I think of little things like having to be away at the hospital for a few days I can't bare the thought of being away from him-like I'd be cheating on him with the new baby or something. Or when I think of people coming over here holding the baby and ignoring Tate and hurting his feelings, it makes me so upset.
But I have been told by people with more than one child that it doesn't take away from your love for your first, your heart just grows.
The same will be true for you and your hubby when you have a baby. You won't love him less. It will be an amazing addition to your home and your love. Seeing him as a father will be so wonderful.